Well after this episode I now own a back tattoo. I wish people understood ..
The pain it caused my body with the back and fibromyalgia I cannot put into words. Why is it there you ask ? The darkness within wants to hurt those hurting me, that’s not me so I turn it inward, I’m not a nasty ..
This time it’s been positive self destruction I suppose .. she wanted her path marked her journey I wanted it buried it’s over, those parts of life we’ve permanently charted lol. Now to end this one ..
I’ve spent the night doing paperwork for this meeting tomorrow.. scanned it and sent it .. every time I touch it, it poisons my mind my soul. Should have sent it before now but I couldn’t face it .. you can’t describe what it does inside of you.
To hope, well that will only create more destructive emotions if the meeting ends up pointless. Battling with what’s the point of the legal system ? If this fails the only option really is go face him and ask what the fuxk do you want you weirdo?
To an outsider reading in with no knowledge of me, it’s hard to express to you the emotions, thoughts , fears, and change within you when these things happen. How you fight daily not to split into two people a daily battle fighting to be just normal. Knowing this other part you have never controlled fully is pushing to be free, knowing through these last ten years you’ve controlled everything around you to ensure she does not get released. You know she’s here by what you do people are telling you .. you look different, say different things you just wouldn’t say, your confident, assertive, active, music is different, maybe even a tad arrogant.
The children know , they see they grew with you as mum. You fight with every ounce of energy not to go under with depression or go out to damage the beasts. The cost internal, despite the blog I don’t talk, I share nothing really, not with those around.. my thoughts well they better of just staying that thoughts .. I smile and focus all my energy on being a great mother and getting through that day. I do well .
I will be stating tomorrow about changes In The law and justice system and what we do moving forward with it .. I’m sure we can rally the support, now more than ever. Each team has told me the system is failing wasting time money and lacking protection for victims and children.. I will try again to get any change in the law that protects us , frees up the police, courts and improves the lives of those men women and children that suffer domestic violence of any level never mind the serious levels of rape and severely brutal violent attacks.
During and after the abuse, we need your support, not your opinions and judgements, justice systems and the law at present they at make us face our abusers after 7 years of avoiding them. They give the abuser the power to choose his freedoms, even if it encroaches on your life.
It has to change and soon
Jenny's Justice 