So an anxious day was spent, thinking, trying not to think.
Found the building the lady came out, off to a side room. ( at least she gave me a side room unlike the police man).
Basic standards really, introductions, form fills and basic info of case. I had a moment or two of emotional meltdown, for me , my kids and her, his now wife. ( I keep calling her child 😕 to me she will always be that, one of the kids 😞. )
I heard the usual speeches. It’s not there fault they try but the laws really have everyone tied.
Asked if I felt suicidal, I had after seeing the policeman but turned it back, my kids need me. I came home. Told her if anything I’m at a point if I want to hurt him.. she said she could comprehend that and why I felt that way..
asked if I’m self harming .. lol 😂 I was seriously gonna day no .. but I’d of been lying to my self.. stood up and showed her my back and the fresh tattoo. Oh that’s not too bad.. if they knew you they would know as I explained..
The anger burns I’m not nice I’m horrible👺 she said no.. I repeat I’m hooorriible.. the pain I put myself thru to get the tattoo, marking the damage in a visual ..
It’s better than hurting others releasing the pain inside to the world.. we did that route before and it nearly cost our life my children, my sanity.. I can’t go there again, I have to keep finding ways to control it.. I tried to kill him once before too much one too many beatings .. called the police told them where I was and what I was about to do many years back now, I drove him off his pushbike, I’d of squashed him like an ant that day if he wasn’t so fast getting up.. not proud at all but know my capabilities if pushed.. this is what I’m trying to avoid ..
The offer of groups and chats I had to refuse I’m using my community to integrate and do groups, told her honestly after all the domestic violence groups and teams I’ve attended and where I’m at today, where the uk law makes u sit in a court waiting room and court with your rapist after 8 years, I’d be the one saying don’t listen 👂 it’s a lie , it’s all bullshit. Told her I can’t be anything but honest. Is it fair of me to do that and take away what someone else may need and gain from what is being offered? NO so I do what’s best for them and find my own way to cope.
The poor woman had not ,as expected, had the time to do files( told you before they don’t in a previous post). This again is not her fault but the amount of cases she has to deal with. The overload of people just like me waiting for the law to protect them.
What does it do to you this overhanging invisible threat .. he could come again? His wife is pregnant life is way past where we were for both of us , why would he come? I asked the lady ? Why?
I tried to listen 👂, there’s a bonus ! A possible chance ! I just have to leave it in her hands and trust one last time.
I will wait for the call about it, again I can’t hope! It’s the hope that drives the anger when let down but I feel today’s lady had at least a comprehension which is rare in these meetings.
Once this ends as I explained if all else fails by September I will find him and go ask what do u wAnt..
I’m disgusted in the law in Britain and the system it is set up to protect the villain 🦹♂️ I will be addressing all I can from now for law change where domestic violence is concerned ..
I can’t help me, my 13 years are gone.. but I and my evidence can and will make a difference in the future some how, someway I felt it in 2012,I feel it now that has to happen.
For now back to the mask.. on it goes.. hide that anger, hide that pain, live like your gonna die tomorrow, try everything, get out there…
Life is short, treasure each breath 🌬
those that know , need no telling: those that don’t, start felling ( materialistic)
Jenny's Justice 