Police contact yesterday

Well I got the call..

I explained it well, held the emotion in long enough to complete the call.

I cried like a baby afterwards, sat alone thinking, there’s so much I’ve had to take in lately. Learning the depths of his manipulation, knowing he is back again, local in work so likely in living too..

The calculating way in which you waited 7 years to impregnate your wife just so you could avoid social services.. if that isn’t controlling behaviour well , what is?

I explained if he had done his time, showed remorse, made a better life on his release then access to his child would be there, it was before. Despite what he did to me his relationship with his child should of had that chance. He did, he lost all access rights due to his behaviour inside prison and after his release.

Why has no one understood this contact is again HIM !! Why am I put through this rubbish? Why Are sexual or very violent cases not given instant life protection? It’s severe damage we are left with, all the therapy in the world cannot remove from you what occurred. You learn to block out, to evolve into an armoured creature. Our children suffer and yes they grow but my eldest 24 is the one full of the most trauma, his friend, the court case he did , the after effects, our guilt he got her by knowing us this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Every time he makes contact we relive that time every feeling each emotion, he saw more than his siblings he was older could understand, leaves him unable to trust.

I know the system is flawed but for goodness sake, the police need better powers to act upon, the family court need the power to pass on cases like mine to crown court, the psu centre in court needs to be monitored I was told by them trust me put all your passed let downs behind you and go from here. They didn’t turn up on Wednesday again I ended up in court alone.. no message, I went there I wasn’t even written in the book.. I email and get oh sorry I had personal issues so didn’t come .. really?? What about us you promised!

Well I’m filled again with anger, failings, irrelevance, I’m not irrelevant neither is what I’m suffering..

Well again courts want an address for serving papers, it’s not wise I find this information.. but I did I found somewhere to send them .. this again gives me pain.. if it goes in his favour I now know where to find him.. we fought many times in our years together.. at one point he beat me so hard outside his friends house I rang police and told them what road I was on and that I was about to kill him by running him over , they can’t stop him I will, I did I drove knocked him off his pushbike and went to roll over his person if he hadn’t of been so fast I do believe I would be in jail now serving life for murder. Is this fair? That we are driven to this point .. is it right the protection puts us in their control still?

I’m struggling still that after 7 years of hiding from him and all the times he’s tried to be at events I’m at that I’ve avoided last minute when I’m told, that the laws give him the power to get me face on. That he’s caused all this court attendance by his contact but once served he can choose whether to attend the hearing!!! He should be forced to attend we are there because of him🤬. It’s all backwards..

I again now just have to wait .. wait for court, wait for the police to read all that evidence, wait for him to choose if he’s attending, wait to see if he’s brave enough to contest it and risk a crown court case.

Well that’s where I need to be Crown Court! The only place I can be given an order for life to protect myself and my children even though they are over 18 … it’s needed and hopefully will give us a gateway to law changes. We need to free up our police and courts so that they perform their duties properly.. They need our backing to get the change .. we need a meeting of minds a police officer a social worker freedom programme etc a judge a victim all should listen and combine knowledge to perfect these laws so loopholes to damage are not there for the offenders to use..

I’m at meltdown point , I’m pained my body full of adrenaline, giving up the meds so my mind can function fully while he’s prowling has given me a bit more energy, I went out my best release is dance but my body hurts today I can’t win even letting it out is a self harm I know the days after that dance like now I can barely move.. but it’s all I know that works to stop me becoming what he is aggressive, abusive, evil..

So on we go, full of worry full of fear, hope, anguish but living being mum, passing it all off as ok so the kids don’t see the distress. Don’t kid yourself they know they see you breaking day by day.. is it any wonder that when I see people about it the kids not around that it’s then because they aren’t there you can release it and that’s why you see the tears we scream we cry, because it’s the only time we have away from the children to do so.. why do you judge that moment as madness, inability to parent? It’s all wrong..

Again think if I was your partner, wife daughter, sister, aunt, niece , mother or cousin how would you feel? Would you expect action to protect your loved one??