Well I’m just home from a tip run.. all the stress , the redecorating creates rubbish..

The local tip is 5 minutes drive from my house… on the journey I had my music on pulled u at the junction and out of the house came my ex and his child bride.

There are two of me so my emotions are hard to go through..

Initial shock face on, I was right you live in minutes of me … fear a little heart rate of the scale .. I’m driving I cross the junction your getting in your car you live there definitely.

Then in comes Jenny this is dangerous , she laughs, giggles and bangs up the volume of the song it’s playing strong woman what a song.. now I know where you are,your look of shock was worse than mine.. I’m ready I’ve been waiting hidden away unheard, screaming in the shadows, I want my justice, my protection and she won’t let me..

I will not lose control I have come to far at present I have a non molestation order in place not nearly covering what I need but it is at least something .. I will adhere to the timeframe I’ve reached everywhere for help ..

I’m shaking, body is like jelly , not sure whether it’s anger fear both but this can not continue ..

Well I got the call..

I explained it well, held the emotion in long enough to complete the call.

I cried like a baby afterwards, sat alone thinking, there’s so much I’ve had to take in lately. Learning the depths of his manipulation, knowing he is back again, local in work so likely in living too..

The calculating way in which you waited 7 years to impregnate your wife just so you could avoid social services.. if that isn’t controlling behaviour well , what is?

I explained if he had done his time, showed remorse, made a better life on his release then access to his child would be there, it was before. Despite what he did to me his relationship with his child should of had that chance. He did, he lost all access rights due to his behaviour inside prison and after his release.

Why has no one understood this contact is again HIM !! Why am I put through this rubbish? Why Are sexual or very violent cases not given instant life protection? It’s severe damage we are left with, all the therapy in the world cannot remove from you what occurred. You learn to block out, to evolve into an armoured creature. Our children suffer and yes they grow but my eldest 24 is the one full of the most trauma, his friend, the court case he did , the after effects, our guilt he got her by knowing us this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Every time he makes contact we relive that time every feeling each emotion, he saw more than his siblings he was older could understand, leaves him unable to trust.

I know the system is flawed but for goodness sake, the police need better powers to act upon, the family court need the power to pass on cases like mine to crown court, the psu centre in court needs to be monitored I was told by them trust me put all your passed let downs behind you and go from here. They didn’t turn up on Wednesday again I ended up in court alone.. no message, I went there I wasn’t even written in the book.. I email and get oh sorry I had personal issues so didn’t come .. really?? What about us you promised!

Well I’m filled again with anger, failings, irrelevance, I’m not irrelevant neither is what I’m suffering..

Well again courts want an address for serving papers, it’s not wise I find this information.. but I did I found somewhere to send them .. this again gives me pain.. if it goes in his favour I now know where to find him.. we fought many times in our years together.. at one point he beat me so hard outside his friends house I rang police and told them what road I was on and that I was about to kill him by running him over , they can’t stop him I will, I did I drove knocked him off his pushbike and went to roll over his person if he hadn’t of been so fast I do believe I would be in jail now serving life for murder. Is this fair? That we are driven to this point .. is it right the protection puts us in their control still?

I’m struggling still that after 7 years of hiding from him and all the times he’s tried to be at events I’m at that I’ve avoided last minute when I’m told, that the laws give him the power to get me face on. That he’s caused all this court attendance by his contact but once served he can choose whether to attend the hearing!!! He should be forced to attend we are there because of him🤬. It’s all backwards..

I again now just have to wait .. wait for court, wait for the police to read all that evidence, wait for him to choose if he’s attending, wait to see if he’s brave enough to contest it and risk a crown court case.

Well that’s where I need to be Crown Court! The only place I can be given an order for life to protect myself and my children even though they are over 18 … it’s needed and hopefully will give us a gateway to law changes. We need to free up our police and courts so that they perform their duties properly.. They need our backing to get the change .. we need a meeting of minds a police officer a social worker freedom programme etc a judge a victim all should listen and combine knowledge to perfect these laws so loopholes to damage are not there for the offenders to use..

I’m at meltdown point , I’m pained my body full of adrenaline, giving up the meds so my mind can function fully while he’s prowling has given me a bit more energy, I went out my best release is dance but my body hurts today I can’t win even letting it out is a self harm I know the days after that dance like now I can barely move.. but it’s all I know that works to stop me becoming what he is aggressive, abusive, evil..

So on we go, full of worry full of fear, hope, anguish but living being mum, passing it all off as ok so the kids don’t see the distress. Don’t kid yourself they know they see you breaking day by day.. is it any wonder that when I see people about it the kids not around that it’s then because they aren’t there you can release it and that’s why you see the tears we scream we cry, because it’s the only time we have away from the children to do so.. why do you judge that moment as madness, inability to parent? It’s all wrong..

Again think if I was your partner, wife daughter, sister, aunt, niece , mother or cousin how would you feel? Would you expect action to protect your loved one??

Well I have spent the whole day in court, waiting .. my psu support didn’t turn up, the legal service didn’t send a solicitor, he didn’t turn up. I find out that was because the courts didn’t serve him papers..

My case was adjourned till next month..

The system is shambolic.. from courts, to prisons, to justice and protection for the innocent..

I’m angry today, my life out on show, made to feel irrelevant after being promised support .. I could have had things different ..

If I hadn’t had contact from the police this week off their accord not my pestering them I’d of lost it today.. I felt itall rising had to get out of there .. The courts have no window , it’s awful, stuffy, you can’t get a drink the machines are on different floors, lunch is 1-2 they run over you wait , they still want you back by 2 how do you eat, sort kids care, have the energy to keep going ..

For now I have to wait back in limbo, unsure, unsafe and very unsettled.

Why is our system so flawed? Why can’t the changes be made ?? Why do the laws stand if they are not upheld?

I saw a young lady outside, alone , that 👀 look on her face.. I had to go over offer my laugh and support , her case difficult, but I gave her my details .. no one should feel like that and lonely ☹️..

whatever happens with me, I’ve learnt, I’ve a lot to give my aura speaks to souls ,how ? Why ? Couldn’t tell you but I know it’s a good thing I do and I can’t stop this time .. someone has to be that one to make a stand ..

It’s hard, kids to get ready for school they know I have court .. age appropriate for a six year old girl ..

what do you tell her in the future? What if nothing changes she grows gets hit or worse, then I tell her I was here years ago if I pushed the laws could of been altered .. I know it’s a dream but it could be real one day..

I’ve bit my nails so far they hurt, mixed with fibromyalgia pain my hands are so sore..

Had positive calls yesterday 🐷 the strength you give is priceless, it will get me through ..

I’m nervous today something feels strange, I work off the feeling it’s kept me alive many a time.. something feels .. I don’t know but not how it should be ..

I’d say wish me luck, but this is about evidence ,the law, and the judge on the day ..

I’m sat I find myself with a rare ten mins alone. The days go by I’m involved but a video plays of past traumas memories of young, things usually blocked .. Then the rest follows

living two worlds at once , I try to block but it plays , things in life bring old memories forward, containment the issue..

Today I talked of four years old military police, dead mum ( not dead he lied) , violence , mum number 2 , what I’ve seen I don’t talk of young days..

my body responds it shakes, I burn, releases all I have is the decorating, my health limits my progress but it’s not enough ..

Jumping from conversations, to then back to now, still taking calls n messages from others with issues , they trust me enough to think of me , no one should ever feel like I have, I know I can’t reach everything but I can do what My heart says I should.

Focus must be found..

Well I’m totally honest I’ve been silent as I’m struggling , I’ve had this historic domestic violence issue, the fight with the school academy and government, social and community integration, family problems, my head has been a nightmare ..

I’ve been posting and reading the plights if others within our family court system and interacting , I’m so upset by the lack of support not only for us but the services helping us , somehow, it’s been noticed.. I have been contacted by the police today..

I must explain when I post I don’t think to much ( well didn’t till now ) about the reach my posts have .. I’ve just been releasing my frustrations, disbeliefs and feelings about my personal situation , it’s opened my eyes to social media and the screen 📺 it’s a window to the world..

Well again I have explained brief history and I again hope for what’s right.. I have to hope that I can get to crown court and present my case and evidence to a jury to decide independently.. I have to hope I can make a difference to others like me, the children, the police so their time can be freed up and more practically used, the courts so they have the power to pass on serious cases, they deal with domestic violence daily they see, they know.

Why not stop the degrading process that is and make those changes that in the long run will help everyone that deserves it and put the criminals when consistently breaching In suitable punishments or prison .. you can’t give them orders and conditions if you don’t enforce them🙄

3 separate coincidences(as they’ve been called with me and my case with his behaviour) and they the criminal should be in, questioned, scrutinised ,properly assessed on the evidence at hand and hearing the voice of their abused.. they are the threat to society if they are continuing patterns of behaviour the same as sentenced for

I’m in court in 2 days again, I’ve explained I will not after all this hide behind screens , the laws have allowed him face in access to me so I’ll stand strong.. show nothing as that’s what I feel towards him nothing.. those screens now after this time will just empower his belief he still has control..I fear a response of no action from court as their hands are tied by the laws of the land .. I’m full of adrenaline, aware, alert, I’m creating my own safety the way jenny knows how..

I’ve stopped reporting as I’m not being treated the way I have been anymore, my mental state can’t cope and I’ve got too much to lose stepping back into helping with the children.. my self value has surpassed your disingenuous laws.. my need to ensure others don’t suffer the degrading, uncaring, harmful stuff I’ve gone through well it’s stronger than my fears.

coercion and control well it’s not being addressed.. I’ve researched, it’s there in black and white, different levels of assessment , guidelines to follow separate considerations for sexual assault.. The only reason I can pul forward as to why my case is being ignored is it shows flaws , loopholes he has used to abuse from a distance, involving the police,without them realising to indict that long reaching power he had, extending his reign over me .. it shows failings in the system, but I don’t care about that now , only in the process of evidence to get the protection me and my children need ..

Another big issue they keep moving the victims and children awY, your destroying families people, it’s not us you need t move – here’s a tip, stop them MOVE THEM threaten them with jail like you threaten us with taking our children if we don’t move.. the children need theschool they know parks ,familiar sights people, the mums needs their families and friends while reviving it can take years .. you strip us of that support .. too many just moved awY no choice already low and drained.. so much is so wrong .. you do this as from what I see you then no longer have to deal with us. PROBLEM SOLVED EH.. no you just moved it elsewhere to make your life more simple..

More waiting to be contacted .. the process is a big issue .. time consuming, repetitive, long responses takes weeks months if they reply at all.. replies come, it’s like they answered another persons letter as nothing they have responded with corresponds with what you wrote..

THE FURTHER IN YOU DIG you see the reality , it’s a painful enlightenment..

Be vocal, stop hiding, persist for your rights .. in these situations our rights should matter more than they do at present and tbh they should if vocalised in the proper manner matter more than those who commit these serious offences..

I’m tired sore and heavy souled . I have a young daughter , How do I one day tell her if she gets attacked I could have stopped it by fighting harder for rights of women everywhere to live without constant fear .. I was here 3/4 years ago and got worn down by the process I shall not give in this time .. someone has to take a stand this rubbish cannot and should not be allowed to continue In The name of British Law ..

I’m rambling I’m gone night all

So I’ve had a quiet week not written not spoken of it all.. it’s all building within the pressure compounding beneath the shell of my skin.

Court again next week.. I’ve seen some positives for people online ,with their cases moving forward.. it’s fabulous but not enough..

I have options still, which I will follow up but retracing my experiences I have had to do plan b.. if court fails to provide the protection ( through the fault of laws not working) I have to protect myself.. and I am, the only way Jenny knows ..

Had another of his acquaintances message me on Facebook this week asking if I still live at the same property .. known mutually obviously but I’ve not had anything to do with them for years.. I’ve not reported this one !! Had enough of being treated like I’m over reacting or that I’m making things up.. so the game swings of radar 🎯 this is what the authorities cannot comprehend!! What other options do you give us? This is the most dangerous area .. the grey hidden shadows.

To ensure I don’t take my anger, upset, turmoil and desperation out on some innocent being I’ve locked off no mingling, no contacts outside the house people, door shut ,mind and body thinking and focused.

How far does this have to go? There comes a point where evidence is what matters and I’ve got it all ..

Court – the process it’s sickening , we will be in that proximity again🙄. He has no right to be in my personal zone ever after what he did .. I want him to contest it and push it forward to a proper hearing in crown.. is he brave enough ? Have the police made him think he’s that untouchable?? He has manipulated a vulnerable whilst on ipp order , broken every rule he’s ever been set , why wouldn’t he think any different?

Well whatever happens next week that’s when I’ll decide if I follow the process to the info or whether to plan B on s larger scale.. I don’t want to destroy worlds but another way is telling people what happened then, who you are , what you do to vulnerable people not just women, and the callous calculating manner in which you operate.. let them decide ..

Till the case is sorted I’m limited to full disclosure and expression but after .. well..

Again I’ll state you came for me .. IM NOT DOING THIS AGAIN SO DICE IN YOUR HANDS .. roll or walk away ..

Well past few days I’ve had to think.

I have two major issues at the moment the case with my rapist who keeps coming back like a boomerang and The school/ academy issue ..

The school well in December they introduced a silent corridors rule o. The children 11- 16 year olds. No talking in school at all from 8-3 pm apart from lesson learning and break and lunch ..

we as parents complained I joined a group and we have been going against the school since.. who wants to silence children ??

We argued as we as parents were not consulted and to be honest it’s been horrific. In my opinion the school have been awful misconduct, abusive, not following their own procedure.

Well I got my complaint looked over by an outside team the education skills and funding agency .. they saw my evidence and upheld my complaint in April. The school are still trying to stop me complaining about their misconduct which in turn kept my son at home being schooled by me for 3 months before I found the evidence this was because they had not fulfilled their managed move procedure.

I was given a date and time for redoing the meeting, I had to state this isn’t suitable they know my support can’t attend these meetings till after 3 pm we have had much correspondence on this since December. They without consultation again gave me a 10 am appointment. I had to quote them their procedure..

Now this weekend I have had consultations of my own and I shall be sending 2 emails to the school, even though I have removed my son from their establishment I know many children who attend and I have promised them and other parents I shall not quit trying to rescue these children from the right to communicate say morning to each other and teachers without fear of detention.

I have the emails ready and will continue to fight for these children..

The ex partner/ rapist well I’ve got some more plans for our situation ..

I cannot stop until he is stopped, the olive don’t understand it’s a dice game he made his move I must protect myself and my children. Psu, probation ,understand but have no legal powers.

So back to the legal teams we got 16 days left from tomorrow and we are back in court.. so much going on

I can’t stop the drive from within each day nothing changes Jenny gets more prominent.. problem issues so popular everyone loves her, her tenacity ,wit, energy and magic still does what it was created for PROTECTION AND POPULARITY ..

I have no control on when she appears, only when needed does she appear. She won’t go till the danger has gone.

Her ability is unique, what she can do well even I am in awe of her, she is always with me, never leaves just sleeps.

All I know is to keep her at an acceptable level is draining, her urge to destroy the danger any way possible has to be contained. Her need for justice is powerful she knows it’s a fight against government on both cases ..

The governing establishment I must say you should be disgusted by yourselves, you know and are allowing theses injustices to continue not just to me but many others. The organisations all state the issues you cause the overflow in court by lack of action and giving the abusers and teachers the powers to abuse, you fill the system by not changing the laws , or using the laws correctly

Where my rapist is concerned he was an IPP STATUS.. I’ve given you evidence he breached it .. you won’t follow it. You allowed a rapist serving time on an IPP to infiltrate a minor who turned 18 , whilst integrated highly in my children’s life’s and mine .. this is why o believe you will not move and I am going to find a way to expose this .. before I just wanted him stopped …. now I want the laws changed so you can’t do this to others.

I AM ONLY ONE! But what I can do by the grace of god I will do xx – rip mr perks

My appointment was 10am I sat waiting it was busy .. the lady I was due to see was asked to help a woman who was in court today.

The woman had 2 children with her .. my lady said I’ve got no time.. I said well I’m not urgent, this lady needs you today I shall come back.

As I left I wished the lady and her children good luck.. the kids smiled at me as I opened the door to leave.

Why did I do that?? My needs are as important! I did it because I know this degrading system and her help was needed today mine can wait a few more.

How do I feel was angry at the system but my journey back home took me long route .. passed broad field walk, what a dive our first home in Birmingham from our uncle and aunts house.

Then Highgate , what a wake up I sat there a moment just thinking, there’s s reason I’m this way bound, then Stratford road , 15 and a house omg..

well I know why this happened ..

we’ve been seen and done some things jenny girl , there’s much more to come from you yet..

All things are leading to something …..

I’m up and getting ready, court again today, I’m not well, family want me at docs ..They let me down, not going , is all I have to say.

Court again this morning, another journey into town, im trying to stay on top of it, but it always brings me down.

Why do I have to battle?, to stay safe from harm? Why don’t they comprehend the emotion, understand why I’m not calm!

The damage he’s inflicting, reaches further than a fist, your allowing him the power to make me suffer, do you want a list?

Right from the beginning, letters coming through, he’s incarcerated they say, no more danger to you.

Oh he will get out officer, angrier than before, he’s had a plan fulfilled it, got another vunerable to his score.

One of the children, my child’s friend from school, she knew already, so you think you broke no rule.

Integrated highly in our life, pics and posts to prove, due to age you think your sorted, think you payed it smooth.

Well I’ll tell you this, the evidence is there written in pen and ink, those in positions I’m speaking to, see it all and think.

To aware for your manipulation, to wise to be seduced, the chances of you tricking them are far much more reduced.

They pointed out you picking her, well you knew it would hurt me deep, cos my job is to protect them, the kids, and yes the pain you got to one, till now it made me weak.

Seeing your plan unfolded, lying there bare and raw, you really are obsessed let me explain some more.

All this time you’ve played a game, now it’s clear for all to see, all your little actions all come back to me.

Choosing her, she’s the victim, she could get in the house, tell you what was happening report back quiet as a mouse.

The years gone by the parties, the legion oh yes I know, you were there I got told we as a family decided not to go… lol 😂

The fact you are now pregnant and come back for more, you put yourself from one cell to another, it’s funny now I truely know the score

You got mentioned to your child, he picks similar clothes to you, the dna and gene pool gives him certain things you do.

Not having my own mum something I grew to know, we want to know where we’re from so hiding you would not help him grow.

He was raised with standards he knows humanity, he knows you as a parent don’t date the friends of the kids, do you see?

He knows her as one of them, parties weddings, and staying in our home, not my manipulation mate, he saw that on his own.

You really have lost, no matter what they rule on the day, up till March and your contact, well what can I say.

Life has moved on, your a memory from the past, this situation will soon be over, it’s not something I’ll let last.

She is more aware now of the type of games you play, knowing that she’s second best, do you really think she will wanna stay???

She is weak and moulded now, to all you persuade her to do, after learning she’s part of your plan, I give this guilt I hold back to you ..

It gives me back control, it helps me see bright and far, your nothing but bad memories , after this tour just a scar.( healed damage).