My weekend has been spent thinking of cases of injustice.

Helens law -Helen McCourt murdered in 1988 by Ian Simms, he won’t release details of her body. Her mother campaigned so murderers don’t get released until they give up the bodies.

Why did she have to campaign why do these rules not get put into place automatically.

Justice for the 21 – this has gone on my entire life.. an atrocity of injustice, wrongful arrests of the Birmingham 6, all those families and Julie Hambleton waiting for the right thing to be done. Justice for the lives taken from their worlds.

There are many more but these are ones I know through my life,this concerns me, the authorities allow the criminals leeway, all the time. What rights have they got to escape punishments for taking lives because they release information about their crimes.

I wonder , deeply thinking how the families find that strength to keep battling, knowing the British government are against them at every turn. I know how over ten plus years it effects you life, your soul, your mind.

Why is our society pandering to the criminals? Why do their rights matter especially if they have taken life away or their crimes are fuelled with violence and attacks.

How can our police and law system justify their actions, evidence is there, as in my case, you know what’s going on. You,the police are our protection! How can you leave people in turmoil knowing you can either stop it or change it.

I’m mortified by my enlightenment this morning.. I do not want to think like this as soon as my eyes open. I while my situation continues am consumed by his actions, how close he’s been to me, he’s been allowed by probation and police to manipulate and groom what was then a child, my child’s friend from school , integrated deeply in my home and family and marry her. Now pregnant he comes back to contact me, no mention of our child, it’s never been about our child.

The police throughout have been rude and not listened, they are in my opinion protecting him and giving him the power to control and coerce my life after he raped and abused me .. A 7 year sentence turns into under 3 years served and he at that point is allowed to pick a new girlfriend who just so happened to be a child integrated in my home. Worst of all they have much evidence, pictures dates times lol 😂 .

I have to question the moral compass of those in position to protect humanity!

You allow murderers to roam free, they gave you information.

You allow beasts to torture the families of their victims, not giving them the bodies of their family members.

Your laws allow criminals to intimidate, stalk, harass, degrade and totally destroy their victims in all levels of criminality.

When are our human rights, what these criminals violate, going to matter?

When will the justice system get the shake up it needs?

When will the punishment match the crime? and when will we as a society stop these put in power from destroying our society by lack of action.

Yes your overworked, yes there are not enough of you, but seriously is that how you justify it to yourself at night? We will allow it as it’s easier?

It’s just not good enough and I will not stop until you do the job you are paid to do properly.. the evidence is all there the last crucial piece in working on hard and when it’s there …

Im going to come for you all and I will get you to see, the laws need changing TO PROTECT-THE INNOCENT

Well in my determination to end my case and get this info I rang a few private investigators yesterday evening.

Crazy maybe but I need this. The authorities don’t want to help me so I must find a way to help myself ..

I’ve had call backs for what I need it’s approximately £1000.. felt so upset 😭. I then had another call back…

I was given some great advice about the foi I made, where there’s a will there is a way, I will try all I can so I must think on it and address it next week when I go for the support maybe they as a legal group have more weight .. we shall see .

Knowing the laws are against me and a wall has been built, I now look for the other ways in , I will find them, I’m not going away until you the authorities do you job and keep us protected.

This week has been eventful and enlightening..

There’s not just me in this position. The domestic violence, the authorities and professionals, the social services..

That aside the mental health, ok yes our situations differ but there’s others like me who feel it! and then express it! We are not bad people, we are failed people coping the best we can.

Reading the words of others that burn with truth and the determination to live.

Knowing as I do, life is a precious gift and every moment should be treasured.

The longer the meds are out of me the more my personality and character returns.. Who is anyone to subdue me?? Why was I so easily acceptant?

If you don’t feel, you cant deal with it.. if it’s ongoing, you can’t deal with it, but you will feel it and no matter how hard you try, you will be overcome by the emotion.. this happened to me on the meds, they didn’t work even the crunch came which is why I stopped, the problems weren’t being addressed they were being silenced..

I have begun to remember further back places I’ve closed off as it’s too much to face still , not just the beastly ex but previous to him ..

Tbh no amount of therapy, courses etc can take out of you what is you, what you have seen, experienced! the tools given in my healing were disingenuous, you teach us to be stronger assertive ask for help.. when we do, we are belittled, ignored, degraded by the system, left unprotected and in danger. Left feeling from you the protectors, no better than how the beasts leave us feeling, useless, unheard with no voice, powerless, controlled even violated

The difference in my being lately is vast, everything’s changing, hair, clothes, attitude, composure, energy, aura, confidence speech. I know, those others around me know, it’s a dangerous time for me .. I’m holding but the outbursts are stronger louder and getting more often as time ticks by ..

pain is still constant and sore but adrenaline, deep heat of many sorts (pads, Sprays, creams lol ) and soft exercise is all I have atm.

Today is relief , it’s not just me and the law could change if there’s enough people wanting if done 🙃

Lots to be reading

So where do I start ?

I’m furious, they always take it back to emotional and mental state!

Just because I was damaged does not prevent me from having rights, intellect or the ability to know right from wrong.

What these people fail to comprehend is the simplicity of it all

It’s historic

It’s ongoing , never stopped

He comes for me every time

I won’t go away until he does !

How dare these people, because that’s all you are people in a job, how dare you be so flippant with my life and struggles due to your lack of action for many years.

Ask yourself this question, if I was your wife, daughter, sister,mother, aunt , friend would you still have him on the streets?

Be honest with yourself it’s just you sat there reading, if you are? Would you allow them to suffer like I am?under the worry and intimidation, his control, ruling aspects of life?

Well would you?? I very much doubt it!

Angry 😡 infuriated, bubbling up, it’s calling her👺, she’s needed she knew, that’s why she’s pushing so hard.. I’m scared not just of him but me 🤭

She’s here, slowly creeping in the shadows no longer caged, prowling just a meaty chain holding her to the post now.. it shows big🙄 to those that know I’m sorry I’m doing all I can to keep her caged..

Release is imminent so far 🎶 is my key to control physical angry energy has to come out 🌪💨🌊🔥💥, id rather hurt me and my poorly self than others.. Internal hold is dangerous but it’s building time ticks away 3 months done..

🥀. We all know you play the same games 🤣🙄🤭 last petals are hanging ..

So today I’m drained..

running off adrenaline well it’s not doing my poor body any favours..

Thinking about yesterday.. why does it come out of me like that? Why can’t I contain her.. its embarrassing I thought before his contact in March it was over no emotions no thoughts 💭

I’ve tried to fool myself it’s not a problem after yesterday’s behaviour and how I spoke I see it’s major.. I can’t address it figured that in therapy before not till it stops .. I’ll hurt someone the pain and emotion is too much ..

So do I go ?? the message said come for support!! What support can be given ?? Can I control myself enough to accept the support on offer?

The one thing I heard was HE KNEW THEN USING ONE OF THE CHILDREN WOULD HURT YOU DEEplY !! .. the guilt I hold 🤭 my job is protect and she met these evils through us 🥺.

How right those words are!

Maybe I should try one last time to trust in someone who is offering help! Maybe my friend is right and what happened yesterday was meant to be, for whatever reason, she’d not seen me like that before.

I will ponder on the support, it’s hard, she my beast grows everyday the order comes closer to ending.. she’s horrid, but only she has the power and knowledge to stop it all..

I must believe the system is just, I must hold onto the evidence and a case, giving in is not an option if I want to live some form of life …

So dutifully went and took in my papers to court.. had to see psu. Well I’m being effected by this more than I’d like to accept.

I lost control cried rocked hugging myself the guilt I hold for that girl is immense .. why guilt ? she met him and that family through us.. I couldn’t help her then and god almighty if she’s still there I’ll not be reaching her now ☹️.

Well I think I hold it all in around the kids, best I can .. when out in places talking on it the rawness appears, calls empty endless calls, constantly explaining it over and over there’s too much for people to take in!

What does need to happen is CHANGE IN THE LAW, CHANGE IN THE SYSTEM, PROTECTION FOR LIFE IF CASES PROVE LIKE MINE ITS REQUIRED. Certain info should not be under data protection release dates etc you the victim should be given them without question especially when you can prove they have contacted you.

Well I’ve got to now email psu lady my files she wants to understand, to see if my accusations are backed with the evidence I have stated.

I lost it why am I having to do this constantly up at court etc asking for the info police should be doing the research ..it’s not good for my mental health finding all this stuff out it’s been inwardly destroying ..

You knew using the kids would beeternally hurtful to me , what you have used her for would hurt me ,the court lady said that today , not me.. you truely are sick 🤢 .. she saw my anger and guilt for you getting your hands on one of the little ones ..she May be older now but again she’s one of the kids , was then so always will be to me, no different to all the others that pass through my doors ..

Well I’m home and like I told the lady your irrelevant here.. so back in the burning box 📦 you go , to be filed away until 19th June when we will again meet face on again mate im not hiding from you anymore.

Told them today that order ends on 26 September. If nothings done well it’s game on isn’t it .. you want my attention, you will get it , it’s far from what you knew so let’s wait and see if the dice will be rolled or you will get told ..

I’m heading for crown court so contest away, make it easier.. if I don’t get it this case I’m still beavering away behind the scenes in the correct way to get a criminal case started everyday till that order ends is a chance to stop you. One of those days will be the key 🔑

So I went to court alone. There was a mix up with times for hearing( not my fault). They sorted that out and then I learnt no solicitor was going to be there 🙀 Do I leave it ? Rebook no I chose to do self representation.

The form I was given only gave me option for a variation, I had to explain a lot to the judge and leArned much more in the process.

The protection we need is available but in crown court only, that is where I’ve been trying to get to, explained this to the judge explained what’s happened since the orders have been made and that has all given me the right to appeal.

I can’t thank the team who helped me get here or the judge for being so patient and understanding.

No guarantees, as always, but there’s hope and I now know what I have needed and been refused to protect us is available, this weekend is paperwork galore to many people.

The police are my main point of attack, they have severely let me down, the process could of been done before now, they have just chosen to ignores and dismiss me telling me nothing could be done. Now I know emails are coming with questions

My head is heavy , my fight is damaging and strengthening simultaneously..

So I did the paperwork took it in nearly ended up in court today I’m not prepared so asked for tomorrow.

The process has to be redone to get where I need to be.

Court tomorrow, they make decision – go from there.

How’s it feel ENDLESS! I get angrier each day for now I’m using it but what happens when I can’t ?

My brain is trained to not lose it till September in the hope I can change things.. if not I don’t know how my head will manage .. how would you

Now just prepare, it could be him and me back in court , no panic now, no fear, well no nothing it’s just keep head busy don’t think .

Past few days have been busy helped deliver one baby yesterday, dealing with the academy and the complaints with them a possible avenue to follow up on this case and tonight another birth but we had to stop this baby coming out it is only 24 weeks in gestation.

So I am home now sore tired and all I can think about is this form for court.. sooner it goes in the better.. so tomorrow after I drop all the children to school fill it out and off to court I go..

This process, I never knew existed, so I can allow myself a little time to think and possibly hope that forward is still possible, a life without his presence can happen, that the law will do what it is set up to do.

Again this process hasn’t been done by this lady before but she’s been honest and open so tbh even if it proves to be a dead end it will give her knowledge to help others..

I’m looking into laws and changing them 50,000 signatures to get a bill looked at in parliament! Could we get that? The failings are not just mine alone many women and men suffer domestic violence, from a simple slap up to rape and disfigurement, the harassment and intimidation from the perpetrator that the law allows has to change could we get that? Yes I feel deep down we could.

you don’t know until you try, this time round I’ll try everything , anything, I should not even be in this situation again fighting for my rights to be protected against my rapist.. he waited for his licence to end this time , thinking he would be covered by the law again..then came again trying to get a response, why?

You and your wife are 3 months pregnant yet you contact me after all this time, why? You contact me, them send people telling me to leave you alone! I haven’t made any effort to contact you or her at all yet so Why do that? What is it you want? You ain’t mentioned your child this time not even to the solicitor at court she told me , it shocked her, you were told before go through the proper channels get a solicitor apply for access, you know the child was given free choice as always on whether to see you, he again chose no, so why?

Some may think does it matter why? At this stage after living like this so long , yes this time it matters why because it’s been 13 years .. you have a new life a wife there’s nothing here for you.. so why matters we read in the news ” she reported it the police didn’t listen”- this is after a person has died at the hands of a partner or ex. Is it enough ? No. Well I do t want to be hurt to be heard …

Is it fair we have to fight or die to get protection or laws changed ? No.

This has been an issue for the police for years the stated with government about all the new changes around domestic violence- its all an illusion.

Well let’s see if we can start change from the bottom the judges need the back history on non molestation order day and what we the victim( hate that word ) need is the right to be heard at that stage, not told the law states just this, he states it will mess his work if!! He’s done the wrong and punishments usually do leave you feeling messed with that’s the idea 💡 helps you understand what you did was wrong and it would free up police courts lawyers time and they could help others more efficiently

Helping others not go through the degrading process I just have is my aim.. permanent change in the laws to protect us not them

Just had an email about the possible situation moving forward..

Forms to fill out and send off, it’s all new all round for them and me but at least this lady is honest good or bad I can deal with honest if I see someone trying 🤗

Tbh my emotions are everywhere I’m just about coping. Wearing my physical out daily so the mental is drained and can’t take over.

Music singing and being is all that is helping about now so continue with it. Deal with the pain in the body and sort it after the situation is solved..

The forms are the hard part small boxes 📦 lots of info .. just gonna sit on it for a bit today then after choir I’ll fill it in.

Time as always is against me