So an anxious day was spent, thinking, trying not to think.

Found the building the lady came out, off to a side room. ( at least she gave me a side room unlike the police man).

Basic standards really, introductions, form fills and basic info of case. I had a moment or two of emotional meltdown, for me , my kids and her, his now wife. ( I keep calling her child 😕 to me she will always be that, one of the kids 😞. )

I heard the usual speeches. It’s not there fault they try but the laws really have everyone tied.

Asked if I felt suicidal, I had after seeing the policeman but turned it back, my kids need me. I came home. Told her if anything I’m at a point if I want to hurt him.. she said she could comprehend that and why I felt that way..

asked if I’m self harming .. lol 😂 I was seriously gonna day no .. but I’d of been lying to my self.. stood up and showed her my back and the fresh tattoo. Oh that’s not too bad.. if they knew you they would know as I explained..

The anger burns I’m not nice I’m horrible👺 she said no.. I repeat I’m hooorriible.. the pain I put myself thru to get the tattoo, marking the damage in a visual ..

It’s better than hurting others releasing the pain inside to the world.. we did that route before and it nearly cost our life my children, my sanity.. I can’t go there again, I have to keep finding ways to control it.. I tried to kill him once before too much one too many beatings .. called the police told them where I was and what I was about to do many years back now, I drove him off his pushbike, I’d of squashed him like an ant that day if he wasn’t so fast getting up.. not proud at all but know my capabilities if pushed.. this is what I’m trying to avoid ..

The offer of groups and chats I had to refuse I’m using my community to integrate and do groups, told her honestly after all the domestic violence groups and teams I’ve attended and where I’m at today, where the uk law makes u sit in a court waiting room and court with your rapist after 8 years, I’d be the one saying don’t listen 👂 it’s a lie , it’s all bullshit. Told her I can’t be anything but honest. Is it fair of me to do that and take away what someone else may need and gain from what is being offered? NO so I do what’s best for them and find my own way to cope.

The poor woman had not ,as expected, had the time to do files( told you before they don’t in a previous post). This again is not her fault but the amount of cases she has to deal with. The overload of people just like me waiting for the law to protect them.

What does it do to you this overhanging invisible threat .. he could come again? His wife is pregnant life is way past where we were for both of us , why would he come? I asked the lady ? Why?

I tried to listen 👂, there’s a bonus ! A possible chance ! I just have to leave it in her hands and trust one last time.

I will wait for the call about it, again I can’t hope! It’s the hope that drives the anger when let down but I feel today’s lady had at least a comprehension which is rare in these meetings.

Once this ends as I explained if all else fails by September I will find him and go ask what do u wAnt..

I’m disgusted in the law in Britain and the system it is set up to protect the villain 🦹‍♂️ I will be addressing all I can from now for law change where domestic violence is concerned ..

I can’t help me, my 13 years are gone.. but I and my evidence can and will make a difference in the future some how, someway I felt it in 2012,I feel it now that has to happen.

For now back to the mask.. on it goes.. hide that anger, hide that pain, live like your gonna die tomorrow, try everything, get out there…

Life is short, treasure each breath 🌬

those that know , need no telling: those that don’t, start felling ( materialistic)

Well after this episode I now own a back tattoo. I wish people understood ..

The pain it caused my body with the back and fibromyalgia I cannot put into words. Why is it there you ask ? The darkness within wants to hurt those hurting me, that’s not me so I turn it inward, I’m not a nasty ..

This time it’s been positive self destruction I suppose .. she wanted her path marked her journey I wanted it buried it’s over, those parts of life we’ve permanently charted lol. Now to end this one ..

I’ve spent the night doing paperwork for this meeting tomorrow.. scanned it and sent it .. every time I touch it, it poisons my mind my soul. Should have sent it before now but I couldn’t face it .. you can’t describe what it does inside of you.

To hope, well that will only create more destructive emotions if the meeting ends up pointless. Battling with what’s the point of the legal system ? If this fails the only option really is go face him and ask what the fuxk do you want you weirdo?

To an outsider reading in with no knowledge of me, it’s hard to express to you the emotions, thoughts , fears, and change within you when these things happen. How you fight daily not to split into two people a daily battle fighting to be just normal. Knowing this other part you have never controlled fully is pushing to be free, knowing through these last ten years you’ve controlled everything around you to ensure she does not get released. You know she’s here by what you do people are telling you .. you look different, say different things you just wouldn’t say, your confident, assertive, active, music is different, maybe even a tad arrogant.

The children know , they see they grew with you as mum. You fight with every ounce of energy not to go under with depression or go out to damage the beasts. The cost internal, despite the blog I don’t talk, I share nothing really, not with those around.. my thoughts well they better of just staying that thoughts .. I smile and focus all my energy on being a great mother and getting through that day. I do well .

I will be stating tomorrow about changes In The law and justice system and what we do moving forward with it .. I’m sure we can rally the support, now more than ever. Each team has told me the system is failing wasting time money and lacking protection for victims and children.. I will try again to get any change in the law that protects us , frees up the police, courts and improves the lives of those men women and children that suffer domestic violence of any level never mind the serious levels of rape and severely brutal violent attacks.

During and after the abuse, we need your support, not your opinions and judgements, justice systems and the law at present they at make us face our abusers after 7 years of avoiding them. They give the abuser the power to choose his freedoms, even if it encroaches on your life.

It has to change and soon

A lot of thoughts been running thru my head., old pains and memories mainly.

Just trying to block out the negativity is a task in it self.

Desperate to release the emotion safely.. today some of that history gets put into ink. My story must now be shared to help others. The pain Jenny will handle 😞

I have an appointment Friday about the monster the history. I’m supposed to be ready for it I’m not .. I can’t touch those files this week I just want it all over. Jenny will address it her way. No fear anymore

This pain releases other memories anxieties and the protector is here. she is out there seen, chatty, the opposite of my entire character..

The journey onward is all that matters

Well I suppose I better explain ..

I dealt with severe levels of domestic violence as a child. I watched a lot including my mother cutting her wrists in front of us. Blood well I’m used to blood.

I suffered physical beatings and mental abuse and my father took us from our home in Yorkshire away from the army barracks we knew, to Birmingham. I was six by now and there was no explanation at first of where mother was!

We eventually got told she was dead.. a bit of time later, my father worked away a lot my brothers and I were left alone, a lady turned up at the door saying she was mum. My brother rang dad and he said I lied you better let her in.

We moved lots but settled when I was ten in Kings Heath. I left home I ran at the age of 13. I slept on the streets for two weeks till Iwas found by a friend on her paper round,wet in the rain hiding behind Bins. I stayed with another friend after that but was damaged and it didn’t last.

At this point I got a house privately to live in with another friend. I was 16.

Parties and drugs had begun. Men in my life were like my father and one brother hard emotionless people who hurt me with knives fists allsorts.

I’d by now seen therapists and councillors school onwards. I was an angry monster taking any drug I could to escape the pain of reality.

I at 18 was 🤰 pregnant. The dad beat me cut me chopped my hair and at 3 months pregnant beat me so hard for 3 hours I was black and blue except my belly.. I sat for an hour just sat in shock got toook to hospital.

My baby had survived but all my water sacks were burst this was a terrifying experience. The pregnancy progressed as did his violence. I gave birth to a five pound baby he was called there was a fight at the hospital with him and my dad it was awful.

2 years it took me to breakaway, all I wanted was a unit,my unit, my family, what I’d never had.

Dad number two came 4/5 years later seemed lovely 😊 but not long before it started. I try so hard to fix it all I give everything. He went to prison. I gave birth first year jail visits hard times. I struggled met a man made a mistake, had an abortion. I’m truthful so you can imagine that relationship went really bad from there violence increased I was beaten a lot. I accepted it as my fault for what I’d done.

Eventually I left. I had a few years of grief and threats from that man and his drug dealing friends. He’s owed them money they couldn’t find him so came looking for me and my children. Threatened me in the street children present. I at this point had hit harder drugs too. I was 6/7 stone in weight and alone. My family well one brother serving life in prison for aggressive robberies on post offices and the other had run from the family. No mum still shed popped in and out made it worse. She lived a posh life million pound house back in the country new family perfect young ladies. I wasn’t good enough .. I couldn’t fit in. Still an angry child I suppose it hurt that could of been me but you left me.

I get out of that live through Highgate meeting a major crack dealer and having to run to make sure I and my child survived. I used to think attention was love any I got I couldn’t differentiate, I was wild, strong to an outside eye 👁, and I made people smile. I protect weaker people. I’ve run from this Highgate man for 20 years they always return. They never stop watching.

I moved again stayed with my mates in maypole, home ground. Settled after that stayed alone .. had a few moments with old friends but I’m bad with choices. Worked two jobs and just tried to raise my boys dealing with the exes.

Here I met the neighbours son .. We got friendly. He and I got on great then he went to prison for a crime he did before we met.. me I’m a muppet my life was normalised to this environment so said I’d wait.

He came out we had a son his family got abusive I was attacked on many occasions his father strangled me breathless in front of my kids. Neighbours had hit me as I came in and out. He my partner had changed instead of supporting like he had been he started hitting me beatings were so severe I urinated myself and fled from my house leaving my children. I was found that time hiding curled up in a bush.

2 days before my 30th birthday I ran from there my home all I’d worked for. I spent the previous week secretly contacting the council. Obviously there were many reports as I reported the abuse even though I stayed. I went with 3 children 1,4,8 years old, 3 cases and a pram. Hostels😞

The system stinks we went the whole way through it I was now 6 1/2 stone. Still being harassed by exes and needed help.

The council moved us to Quinton my kids beds would not lie flat in the rooms of the flat. Nothing I had fit I lost our furniture our stuff the blocks we got put in , we had come from a 3 bedroom house with garden well kept.

This area I later found out was a major known trouble spot to the council. I was here 7 months . Spent that time diary sheeting events occurring. Drug deals parties till 2 am onwards abuse to all neighbours it was like being in a war zone..

I was targeted as I plant flowers now I’m only smoking cannabis as drug intake it helps with my mental calmness and stables my anger. I have back issue and it relieves that. I get attacked by one of the neighbours with a meaty metal dog chain. She looks worried when I just stand take the blow and say that the best you got😂 I end up taking back the man I just ran from he said he’d changed and wanted to help me here.

that year July I had a meeting set with police the night before those 20/30 neighbours attacked my partner and two other neighbours while they walked to the shop with my youngest child..

horrific doesn’t cover it.. the lady nearly got killed her partner and mine ran off. She was being beaten with bottles bats feet fists she hit the floor.. I got my son in ran to her kids at top of our block locked all the kids hers and mine none older than 13 youngest 2 years and told them I gotta save ur mum don’t open this door to anyone except police or me ..

I ran into 20/30 men and women taking the blows and got the lady who was covered in blood very large compared to me and not moving. I screamed at her the kids were all out on the balcony screaming by now, I screamed At the lady if you don’t help me we’re both going to die.. when I say 3 you gotta help me and get the fuck up.. all this time I was being seriously beaten .

I got us safe, the police came 🚑 too..my partner the lady and her partner were arrested 😱I was in shock they were arrested.. I got left in my ground floor flat with all these kids 2 I barely know.. the neighbours still outside shouting abuse.. I am terrified the police took my cctv evidence they knew the reports how did these get arrested. The kids were I can’t explain in words.. I put music on set up beds in the lounge and we play games occupy their minds as much As I can ..

we left there next day, the lady was in hospital no news coming through I still had her kids.. all I know is they were called and told go to a family members. They didn’t want to leave me – I didn’t want to let them go …

hostels again we all kept in touch court stuff came and went they weren’t charged.. she got robbed all her stuff had been taken from those flats her door handles everything I was lucky one of my sons dads did removal my things had been taken to family to store .

Still with my partner being in hostels was hard he got more aggressive .. I got a temp accommodation In nice area .. unfortunately he met up with old friends from prison. My family had taken loads of our stuff from storage so I had not much things were hard. He got more criminally active. I got offered a house.

I took it .. he had from here due to how the benefits work full control on my money the house everything. I told him you hit me here, it’s done forever. It got really bad. I kicked him out. People of all types kept knocking on angry he was stealing. Told them he is gone for good. Beatings happened he robbed my house, then eventually he raped me.

He got sent away after much trauma and a court case.. since then continual stress and contact, despite rules to the contrary.

In between this my brother got out and held me up with a knife 🔪 in front of my kids he’s back inside again. Other things happened .

I have been diagnosed after 3 years of psychoanalytic therapy with emotional disorder and borderline personality disorder.. aggression and adrenaline are big problems .. passive – aggressive, with manipulative tendancy..

I met a man calm, kind, simple and had a daughter now 6 life’s been good apart from interruptions from the exes. I use the tools given in therapy to try and control myself it works well.

I have physical issues now too from all the beatings. Crumbling spine, Lower back issues shoulder arm nerve system, I suffer from pneumonia each year. I have possible fibromyalgia. I have issues with sensory and mood .

This is a brief rundown of a trauma filled life .. I just started blogging with no thought if I’m honest .. a need to be heard as the services year after year fail me.

Why are the laws not changed to match the modern crimes? Why are the criminals protected more than us? How do we stop them?

The damage can’t be addressed while it continues. Offering therapy that’s 12 months away in wait 😂.

Well let’s keep-driving on. It won’t change what’s happened here but it may help others in the future.

Been a hard morning, I’m struggling and just masking it, hurting those close as I try to control myself.

Arguments and tears 😭

The call came from this new team..

I have an appointment next week. The weekend shall be spent sending over files and sorting all the recent stuff into order.

Time consuming? Yes! Soul destroying? yes! To have to go through it all again to someone else.

My head is in turmoil, holding back the urge to destroy those causing it that in itself is the hardest issue control .

Well I should have waited for the post lol

The letter reads we can’t give you this information 😞. I won’t go through the reasons as at the end there is a number for another team inBirmingham that can help with my issues.

Well I put it down and screamed very loudly, then I laughed. This system is rotten to the core.

Had a friend pop in we chatted over a cup of tea. Upon the advice “one more won’t hurt you “and much laughter and sarcasm I rang the number.

They say this is what they do took some details and will call me back today or tomorrow. They seemed to understand but I know only to well that does not necessarily mean actions will happen.

I told them I don’t care what he does in his life at all. I want him kept away from me and my children.

Is that too much too ask?

I can only hope as September will come so quickly.

Emails to be sent out file to reorganise

Well things have been quiet while I await replies from my freedom of information requests and the police investigation team.

I can’t get the thought of September out my mind. I can’t run and hide anymore, I won’t keep being dragged back so if no help comes then the only option is FACE THE FEAR!

That aside….

Since November 2018 I have been complaining about my teenage sons academy. They introduced a silent transition policy into the school children were expected to be in silence from 8.40-3pm every day except for lesson learning time and lunch and break . We as parents were not consulted, there were no statistics or reasonings given for this new policy..

we complained, I have since removed my son from that academy, which led to him not being in school for 3 months. I have proof it was not down to me my child was kept out of a new school, but in fact, the schools faults through mismanagement and mistakes 🙄

Through the complaint time the school in my opinion have bullied, intimidated, misled, been very disingenuous and even when I complained about their staff member being abusive, tried to have me arrested. No action was taken.

The outside agencies upheld my complaint in March 2019 and I was informed that the academy had to contact me by 15 April, but, be prepared they will use the timing of the school holidays to delay. ( why are they allowing them to do this?)

Well today I rang the education and skills funding agency to see what to do. I have to email more work, more time.

When will any of the systems set up to protect the innocent – actually protect the innocent?

So my day ahead is emails and more hoping. I can’t hope any more! My outlook is bleak but it will not stop me on either case.

I have an idea for progressing with the academy but I must wait a little while. My brains working a lot better without those meds 😉. Body hurts but let’s see if an alternative way can work

Well it’s been an amusing morning to say the least.

Call one I have to wait for reply.

Call two to the police 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️ well it’s funny trying to explain it tbh.. my aim be calm lol it isn’t happening when I need it too. The only thing I can do is what I am, positive steps forward until the steps lead down back into the depths of darkness.

All others aside pal.. me n you know .. lol 😂. You keep on knocking but you can’t come in .. if that happens it’s on my terms, I’m ready now, are you ??

Let’s have that conversation! the darkness grows and sort of hopes as each day goes now they won’t respond.. Seeing you in court well it has its bonuses .. get your gladrags ready 🧟‍♂️. Takes a monster to fight one 😈

Some may read and think I’m nuts 🥜 but if you’d lived it, well you’d have a comprehension. I’m passed being judged, fearful or hidden.

Time ticks, mental health effected lol just slightly but this is what needs to be seen, shown and known.

Well here we go again..

You and your bunch of friends really must believe I have no brain cells.. I know him and his behaviour and what you are all being used for where I’m concerned.

He contacted me people.. I don’t care what he does, my only care is he stays out of my life. Which he won’t he’s obsessed.

Tonight’s contact out the blue, come in all friendly, then mentions you pair.. telling me if he leaves me alone leave em to it cos she’s pregnant did you know? Lol omg 😮. Then an invite out! Somewhere I’d never go, been here before December 2012 the Dubliner.. I don’t forget..

These people are coming in like they are friends! Well like I said if them being pregnant was going to stop him I wouldn’t have been in court due to his contact..

God are you lot so blinded by his manipulation you can’t see what your doing? But thank you again it’s all good for me.

Another coincidence to add to the list eh

Well an email was received last night, victim support can’t release that information. Why no reason.

Deflated isn’t the word!

So back on to probation in Kidderminster. I’ve made a Freedom Of Information request. Got the address and yes I can have that information. 28 days. Hearing my words and history I got empathy and an understanding the police should have done this now and many times before.

Again I question the authorities in their job to protect us as a family and the poor girl he’s moulded to his ways. No one protected her either the authorities, her family, her friends.. such a shame.

Well like I said to them I’ve got until September and the end of this order to stop him or all I’m left with is dinner and a chat.

To be honest I’m preparing myself for it already my faith in the system and true justice is not strong at all. It is not a thought I like to dwell on but that will be the only option.